VexVox

(No, this entry is not about David Carradine.)

Along with being driven, I'm also impatient.

When I first started exercising, I felt anxious to get to where I wanted to be. In August 2007, I was 215 pounds, and I wanted to be 160 right then and there. But I knew at a rate of one pound a week, it would take about a year to get within striking distance of that goal. I didn't want to wait, but I had to. My anxiety subsided by the end of September, when I registered a 10-pound loss. By October, my pants were falling off my waist.

When I started recording vocals for my demos, I hated how terribly everything came out. The recordings clipped, I was out of tune, and the sound was dull and dead. I knew it would take years — especially when I could only do any real work during vacations — before I could turn out vocals I didn't hate. Along the way, I learned the ins and outs of my pitch-correction plug-in, and I invested in a number of effects processors that got me the sound I want. Now, I don't mind hearing my own voice so much. (I still think I suck as a singer, though.)

When I felt the urge to leave my very first job, I knew I couldn't do it without some serious retraining. I had wanted to quit in 1999, but I held myself back from doing anything rash. I took classes in scripting in late 1999 and delved into coding my first web sites in 2000. It paid off when I finally was hired first as a web engineer — someone who could stick static content within dynamic scripts — then eventually as a web software developer. I've now been a web developer longer than I have been a content producer.

I'm starting to feel resentment toward the trip I'm taking to Japan in November. I've been setting aside money for this trip, and now that I have this definite goal of relocating, I would rather divert those savings to that goal. The trip now feels like something that I need to get out of the way instead of something to which I can look forward.

But that's just impatience. I have no intention of moving till I have a job lined up, and I don't anticipate the job market improving till the latter half of 2010, if then. I also don't have enough savings to pay for first and last month rent and a deposit. This relocation is a long-term goal, even though I would very much like to avoid the next Texas summer. Objectively speaking, I could get better results by waiting till after the trip, by which time perhaps the predicted economic recovery may be on its way.

I have this paranoid notion that things change in the time that I'm pursing these goals, and the only instance where such a long wait backfired was with learning web development — by the time I got good, the bottom fell out of the tech industry.

So I really need to calm down. I can still do some things to get me toward my goal, but I have to stop myself from shooting myself in the foot.

Still, I don't like waiting. Never have.

I don't think I realized till recently just how much of a determined person I am. I've tried doing the go-with-the-flow method of charting my life, and I can't say it's done me any favors. The best results seem to happen when I've made a decision about something, and I get single-minded about making it happen.

I'm not the personality type that attracts opportunity. I'm very private and very closed. Gay Friend-Drinking Buddy is the kind of person who's so self-effacing, good things just happen to him. I'm not that type of person. If I want something, I have to work for it. It doesn't help that I also tend to be lazy.

But when I stop being lazy, watch the hell out.

In 2007, I finally got sick of being overweight, and when I discovered my scale was lying to me, I adopted a diet and an exercise regimen that allowed me to shed 45 pounds. I've stuck with this regimen mostly because I don't want to end up in the same kind of ill health as my dad when I get to be his age. I also had this odd goal of being my sexiest by the time I turn 40, which is three years away. But I worked for it when I made the decision to do so.

In 2005, I decided I didn't want to wait till I'm financially solvent to continue building my studio. So I blew a lot of money I didn't have getting software and gear. It's taken four years, but I've learned and practiced how to record my own material. I even went so far as to build a bare minimum label and publishing company. Maybe there was a little bit of go-with-the-flow in getting this studio off the ground, but when the momentum happened, I took it far.

In 1999, I decided I didn't want to climb the content management ladder. I didn't want to be the online equivalent of an editor, and it was aided quite a lot by being passed over for numerous positions. Fuck it, I thought to myself, content production is a dead end, and I like programming. I like making things streamlined. So I took a year to take some continuing education classes to learn web development. By 2000, I was working as a web developer, and I've been one longer than I was ever a journalist.

Going with the flow doesn't work for me. If things are going to happen in my life, I have to make them happen. It can be a hassle to have this sort of "me vs. the world" mindset, but history seems to indicate that it actually works for me.

That's what I have to keep in mind as I go through the process of relocating. For too long, I was hoping some company somewhere would find me and think, "We need to bring this guy to [San Francisco | New York City | Seattle | Portland | Chicago]". I was hoping to go with the flow that brought me to Austin. Lot of good that did. (Yes, that's another entry: ways in which Austin has been detrimental to me.)

If older me could back in time to have a conversation with younger me, I would tell him, "You've got a lot of will power. You don't have to settle for Austin as your escape route out of Honolulu. The fact you've always been determined to leave has never been in question. That you have the strength to choose and make it happen is something you should know now."

But that isn't the case.

I also have very good instincts. My instincts tell me this relocation is going to happen. It's the same instinct that told me web development would be a very good career fit. It's the same instinct that told me would at some point work at record store.

I think I should be a lot more permissive with my instincts and match them up with that determination.

In 2008, August weather in Austin started in mid-May. This year, it's starting in mid-June. I've fucking had it.

Yesterday, I did some web searches about moving to Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City and Seattle. Today, I went to the bookstore to find some books on the same subject matter.

I've been forming some mental checklists about the pros and cons of moving to those locales. Those destinations are primarily west coast because I'm tired of long flights to Honolulu. Here's what I've figured out so far:

Los Angeles

Draws

• Major music town
• Significant gay community
• South enough to avoid the cold but north enough to escape the heat

Demerits

• Car culture (I'm tired of owning a car)
• LAX

Network connectivity

• Slight. I know one former co-worker, but we never really hung out. I also have a college friend I haven't really seen in more than 10 years.

Likelihood of moving: Low

San Francisco

Draws

• Significant gay community
• Kronos Quartet

Demerits

• Expensive enough to make Honolulu and New York City look like amateur hour
• Parking (from what I gather)

Network connectivity

Practically non-existent. The friends I might have in the area don't actually live in San Francisco.

Likelihood of moving: Low to medium

New York City

Draws

• I've lived there before
• Mike Doyle
• Kinokuniya, Book-Off
• Lincoln Center
• Ess-a-Bagel
• Major music town, especially new music
• Subway system == no car!

Demerits

• Expensive. Holy fuck expensive
• Cold

Network connectivity

Promising. I have a cousin who moved to the area recently, and I know at least one former co-worker from Waterloo Records.

Likelihood of moving: Medium to high

Seattle

Draws

• Wayne Horvitz, Robin Holcomb and Bill Frisell
• Big community of former Hawai`i residents
• No state tax

Demerits

• I've never been there before, so I have no idea what the city is really like
• North enough to be cold, but not as cold as Chicago or New York City

Network connectivity

High. Two former co-workers live in Seattle, one of them the former personnel manager of Waterloo Records. A colleague from the Dow Jones Newspaper Fund lives there as well.

Likelihood of moving: Medium to high

If I weren't traveling to Japan this year, I'd be visiting each of these towns to get a feel for them. I've never been to Seattle or San Francisco, and I've only ever seen Anaheim in Los Angeles. I'll have to save those trips for 2011 — assuming I don't blow all my cash before then.

I just know I can't endure very many more Texas summers. And I find Austin tiresome. The novelty has worn off.

This past Saturday I tested a hypothesis informed by experiences from 10 or 12 years ago — that I do not turn heads in a gay bar.

Back when I thought I actually enjoyed going to gay bars — ca. 1997-1998 — I never got the impression I made an impression. Looking back on it now, I didn't have a semblance of fashion sense, my haircut wasn't much of a cut, and I probably gave off a vibe of desperation, of an introvert who desperately wants to be noticed.

I still don't have much fashion sense, but I do have a far better haircut and that vibe of desperation has been replaced with an absolute lack of caring. I've also been working out, and while I don't have the stereotypical physique so prevalent in gay magazines, I'm probably not as dumpy as I was in 1998. Given those revisions, I still thought I could walk into a gay bar, chat with Double-A and down a few drinks without attracting attention.

I was mistaken.

Our first destination was Rain, a place that didn't exist when I first moved to Austin. Within a few minutes of our acquiring drinks and setting up at a table in a corner of the back patio, the hypothesis was in trouble. I caught a guy standing by the bar looking at me. He was … all right but a bit too well-coiffed. I pointed out to Double-A a guy who I would remotely consider talking to, and she reached the conclusion the kind of guy I like doesn't look like he's trying too hard. That would be litmus test for the rest of the night. Rain soon got packed enough that our vantage point was not very useful. So we moved on to Oilcan Harry's.

We set up on a bench in the back patio, the only places in Austin bars where smoking is allowed. I spotted a guy in a maroon polo shirt who didn't look like he was trying too hard. When I pointed him out to Double-A, she caught him looking at me. One result was not conclusive, but two definitely points to a failed hypothesis.

Double-A ran out of cigarettes, so I went to a vending machine and bought the wrong brand. On the way there, I saw the guy in the maroon polo shirt and made eye contact. Yeah, he was interested. I'll admit I was interested myself, but that was not the purpose of the evening.

As Double-A and I lit up our cigarettes, a guy came over to bum a smoke off of us. He introduced himself to me and said he would be spinning later. I made the usual noises of approval and interest. Three results? He was pretty much three sheets to the proverbial wind by then, and he put on a little show, prancing around to the music with his friends. Yeah, three results. But he was trying a bit too hard. He was the only one with the gumption to introduce himself to me, though.

After the DJ guy wandered off, Double-A pointed out a guy standing close by who was looking over his shoulder every so often. She said he wasn't looking at her. I caught one of the guy's furtive glances and confirmed a fourth result. I told Double-A, "That's exactly the kind of guy who would have ignored me 10 years ago." He had on a white shirt, and his hair was beautifully styled, an earring on one of his lobes. In other words, really, really trying too hard.

Then there was an incident of my spilling some guy's drink. I bought him a new one. I could have used that opportunity, but I didn't consider it part of the experiment. Double-A and I left shortly afterward.

That was probably the most attention I received during a night out, and I probably should not have squandered it. But I've been running on assumptions from a decade ago, and I wanted to see if they needed revising. I guess they do.

Of course, an experiment is no good if the results aren't repeatable. That most likely means a follow-up study in the future.

I would like to be a good American, really I would. But at the moment, I can only break even — I'm paid just enough to cover the bills, feed myself and pay down debt. After that, I might be able to afford a CD. But if I want something with a price tag exceeding $50, I have to get creative with the fund allocation.

I've been trying to save money for a trip to Japan I'm taking in November, and for the most part, I've been successful. My savings account has a decent balance — certainly not anemic like my checking account balance — and it's incredibly hard not to touch it. Truth be told, I haven't.

Back in March, I bought some external hard drives. I paid with a credit card, then used the savings to pay what put on the credit card. Then I paid back the savings in installment. In short, I've set the precedent to use savings as a lender. I bought a new printer on my birthday, and I have to pay savings back again for that purchase.

I can't keep doing that, and yet, I'm already creating a list in my head of things I would like to get. In some cases, I really do need to upgrade a few items. But most of it is just plain old coveting.

If I didn't have such a narrow spending margin, I would be that good American and spend my way out of these economic doldrums. Instead, I'm being fashionable and scrimping. How proletariat of me.

Still, at some point I want to get …

• A flat-screen computer monitor. This CRT model from 1998 takes up too much real estate on my desk, which is already crowded with a bunch of audio equipment.
• A desk suitable for recording. I need a second tier on which to place either the monitor speakers or the computer monitor. These kinds of desks also have slots made to house audio hardware modules, such as my compressor/limiter. It would also be nice not to have my external sound card and MIDI interface perch periously on the desk.
• A living room chair. The nicest chair in my apartment is the office chair in my studio. I would like something for the living room so that I can read. If I read on the futon, I eventually end up napping.
• A new TV. I don't care what … just something that isn't hard to pack during a move.
• Pants to match the suit jackets I bought from Goodwill. Also, the dress pants I have right now are for size 38 waist, and I'm down to size 36. (More likely size 34, but I haven't shopped for any new pants to confirm.)
• Adobe Flex Builder. I've been experimenting with Flex for the past week as a career preservation tactic. I've hit a wall with LAMP stack web development the same way I did with front-end content production back in 1998. I should probably work more with JAVA to demonstrate some enterprise-level skill, but I think Flex and Flash development might be more applicable to what I do with Eponymous 4.
• More string quartet scores. I need to do some homework before I can tackle another string quartet.
• Celemony Melodyne plug-in. I've managed to do some convincing work with the V-Vocal plug-in in Cakewalk SONAR, but that interface can get tedious. It's been mostly stable for the last few work sessions, but when SONAR crashes, it's usually because I'm working with V-Vocal.
• iZotope Ozone mastering plug-in suite. I like the Mastering Bundle that came with Sony Sound Forge, that I wouldn't mind being able to use it within SONAR.
• Various software upgrades. I could justify these as business expenses, because these programs figure signficiantly in my work flow. To wit: Ableton Live 8, Adobe Photoshop CS4, Propellerhead Reason 4, Microsoft Office 2007. I'm still using Office 2000.

I will be very impressed if I manage to acquire the items on this list without going fiscally belly up.

I don't have to make this post public, since it's just a personal to-do list that affects no one else but me. But I think making this to-do list public makes me accountable to get it done. Because then my readers — all two of you — can nag me and ask, "Did you ever get that done?"

So, in the next few days, I need to perform the following tasks for my desktop:

• Perform backups with Acronis True Image
• Continue to rip CD collection to FLAC

And I need to perform the following tasks for my laptop:

• Sync re-encoded Eponymous 4 MP3s to desktop
• Upload re-encoded Eponymous 4 MP3s to website
• Sync novel drafts to desktop
• Install web development applications:
• Apache
• MySQL
• PHP
• PERL
• HomeSite
• Tortoise CVS
  
• Set up local development environment
  
• Check out website source from source control
• Consider installing Sony Movie Studio Platinum 9 (not sure yet if I want to use the laptop to edit video.)
• Consider installing other upgrades to software (still not sure how much of the desktop I want to mirror on the laptop)
• Experiment with mixing on the laptop with the FastTrack Pro and the Sennheiser headphones.

Tonight was the first night I could go to the school track to do some cardio. The weather people say this week will hit the '80s in Austin, which means evenings cool enough to wear shorts outside. Someone was already using the stationary bicycle — my recent machine of choice — in the apartment gym, so I opted to brave the allergens in the air and exercise outside.

Before winter started, I would do a few cardio sessions outdoors, and at that point, I couldn't do a full lap without running out of breath. I could get 3/4 of the way there, then revert to a walk. Over the winter, I used the treadmill instead and stepped up the pace from 5 mph to 5.5 mph. I also started doing more with the bicycle.

Well, tonight I discovered I can now do a full lap at the track with relative ease. I don't feel like I'm about to lose momentum when I reach the end of the lap. In other words, I'm getting better.

It's been a year and a half since I started exercising regularly, and I'm not sure if I can really channel the changes my body has gone through.

I don't have cans by any means, but when I flex my arms, I can feel some real definition there. The skin on my legs feel taut, and although I still have a paunch and love handles, I don't look like I'm in my first trimester. If I take off my glasses and look in the mirror, I can fool myself into thinking I have abs.

I have never been this healthy in my entire life. And I haven't been this healthy for such a long time.

Some part of me misses the days when I wouldn't need to workout all that hard, but my body would freak out and shed pounds like crazy. Now I'm pretty much stuck at 170 lbs., and I don't want that number to go any higher ever again. I can't help but feel a little proud that my body can totally handle the kind of workout that would have killed me (perhaps literally) a year and a half ago.

So now what?

I've gotten this far … do I want to be a total gay stereotype and go for more muskels? Do I cut more calories to get to that elusive body fat percentage below 18 percent? (I'm currently 22 percent, which is "acceptable".) Do I go for those benefit racing competitions? (Oh, hellz no.)

I don't know, and right now, I'm not sure I care.

I do notice my scheduled discipline has shown some signs of slacking, recently. And my ascetic diet choices have made room for bigger portions and higher calories. Maybe it's OK that I let myself live a little. I don't have the body of my dreams, but I don't have a body that needs to be obfuscated either.

One of the most confounding things about Project Runway mentor Tim Gunn is the fact he hasn't had a boyfriend in 20 years. Even in his 50s, Gunn cuts a striking figure, impossibly well-adjusted and attractive, if not physically certainly in personality. He's the kind of guy who would have been taken long, long ago, but no — Gunn acknowledged his own thin skin where matters of the heart were concerned and exercised restraint.

That just makes him all the more hotter.

And yet, I find his resolve admirable. The energy most people spend trying to find "the one", Gunn spent cultivating a social circle suitable for his comfort. He stuck to his own idea of what it means to be a social creature, and over time, it rewarded him extremely well.

January 2009 marked 10 years since I took myself off the market. At the time, I said I was "taking a break" from dating. A decade later, I can count the few dates and hookups I've had since on one hand. OK, maybe one hand and a few fingers.

But I'm not Tim Gunn. Although I think he's quite the introvert, Gunn doesn't seem to have a misanthropic bone in his body. Me? I'm made of all sorts of misanthropy.

But I look at Gunn and think, "If someone as magnetic as him can keep to himself, the world isn't missing anything if I don't put my sorry ass out there." Oh, I've been told that I should have someone in my life, and Kramer has gone so far as to call my solitude "a waste of good Taurus."

Three years of therapy scratched at the surface of my motivations for not dating, and it would be too tedious of a read to detail it here. The summary is simple — I wasn't raised with very convincing models of how relationships work. I look at how my family interacts with their various spouses and partners, and I question where's the payoff.

Before 1999, I came close to understanding the allure of relationships, and I would think, "Hey, this is nice." A warm body, nice attention. But after some time and distance, I would think, "Huh. I kind of lost my sense of awareness there. Probably shouldn't let that happen again."

In other words, I have much lesser excuse for not dating than Tim Gunn. Tim doesn't like dealing with a broken heart. I just don't like dealing with people.

And yet, I find his example inspiring. He's a nice catch that can't be gotten. I make no claims of what kind of catch I am, but I know I'm not a good salesman for my own bona fides. Whatever the case, Tim Gunn has fashioned himself a life suitable for him which works well.

I don't see much wrong with my life either. I've got a job that doesn't make me dread life. I've got interests that keep me engaged. I have a small social circle that doesn't crimp on my sense of solitude. Would that improve with the addition of that "someone else"? I guess. But the incentive to find out just doesn't compel me to do so.

Latest results of the blood work.

• Total cholesterol: 152 (normal range 140-200, up 11 from 141)
• Triglycerides: 45 (normal range 35-160, down 22 from 67)
• HDL (good cholesterol): 47 (min. 40, up 1 from 46)
• LDL (bad cholesterol): 96 (normal range, 80-130, up 14 from 82, hypertension range 80-100)
• Liver panel: normal

I got in touch with a nurse who gave me additional number.

• Coronary heart disease risk factor ratio: 3.23 (normal below 4.44)
• Blood sugar: 99 (normal range 70-100)
• Sodium: 142
• Potassium: 37
• Chloride: 103
• Carbon dioxide: 30
• Calcium: 9.5
• Kidney BUN test: 15
• Creatinine: 1.2
• Filtration: Above 60 (normal)

Previous results: 1, 2, 3 and 4.

I didn't get the normal ranges for the electrolytes (sodium, potassium, chloride, carbon dioxide), but I'm told everything is normal.

Next check sometime in May.

Yup. So totally run out of the things to say. And it's a good thing this entry is the last for Holidailies. I can go back to neglecting this site, posting only when I feel I have something worth mentioning. Given my exacting standards of literature, it's not often.

As a follow-up to my Best of Holidailies-winning entry, The creaming method, I offer the recipe for the dessert mentioned therein. It's a Filipino dessert, and anyone who has never eaten anything with mochi flour will probably find the chewy texture strange and different.

It's also loaded with sugar, milk and eggs.

Bibinka

4 cups, mochi flour (find this at an Asian market or at a megamart such as Whole Foods)
2 1/2 cups, sugar
1 cup, butter at room temperature (that is, an entire stick)

1 teaspoon, vanilla extract
4 cups, milk

6 egg yolks (3 whole eggs and 3 yolks may be substituted)

So what I did the last time I made this dessert was to cut up the butter into a little cubes and mix it with the sugar till I got a light yellow froth. It took a few minutes. Then I added the mochi flour, slowly mixing it in with the beaten butter and sugar. After I added the flour, I put the eggs, milk and vanilla extract in another bowl and mixed those together. Once the eggs were integrated with the milk, I poured the wet ingredients over the dry ingredients and mixed them together. The resulting dough should be soft — this dough is not the kind to be kneaded.

Oh, I should have mentioned that the oven should be preheating to 350 degrees. When your dough is ready to be baked, stash it in the oven and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Turn down the heat to 300 and bake for another 20 minutes.

When you take it out of the oven, use a knife to separate the dessert from the sides of the pan. Before it has a chance to stiffen, take a pizza cutter and portion out the dessert into rectangles.

The air from the creaming method should give a lightness to the chewy texture of the mochi flour. It's actually a nice combination. I hope the next time I make it, I can get that same texture.

I do have some leftover ingredients.

(And that concludes my participation in Holidailies 2008. I seem to do this every other year, so you may see me again in 2010.)