VexVox

I don't have to make this post public, since it's just a personal to-do list that affects no one else but me. But I think making this to-do list public makes me accountable to get it done. Because then my readers — all two of you — can nag me and ask, "Did you ever get that done?"

So, in the next few days, I need to perform the following tasks for my desktop:

• Perform backups with Acronis True Image
• Continue to rip CD collection to FLAC

And I need to perform the following tasks for my laptop:

• Sync re-encoded Eponymous 4 MP3s to desktop
• Upload re-encoded Eponymous 4 MP3s to website
• Sync novel drafts to desktop
• Install web development applications:
• Apache
• MySQL
• PHP
• PERL
• HomeSite
• Tortoise CVS
  
• Set up local development environment
  
• Check out website source from source control
• Consider installing Sony Movie Studio Platinum 9 (not sure yet if I want to use the laptop to edit video.)
• Consider installing other upgrades to software (still not sure how much of the desktop I want to mirror on the laptop)
• Experiment with mixing on the laptop with the FastTrack Pro and the Sennheiser headphones.

Tonight was the first night I could go to the school track to do some cardio. The weather people say this week will hit the '80s in Austin, which means evenings cool enough to wear shorts outside. Someone was already using the stationary bicycle — my recent machine of choice — in the apartment gym, so I opted to brave the allergens in the air and exercise outside.

Before winter started, I would do a few cardio sessions outdoors, and at that point, I couldn't do a full lap without running out of breath. I could get 3/4 of the way there, then revert to a walk. Over the winter, I used the treadmill instead and stepped up the pace from 5 mph to 5.5 mph. I also started doing more with the bicycle.

Well, tonight I discovered I can now do a full lap at the track with relative ease. I don't feel like I'm about to lose momentum when I reach the end of the lap. In other words, I'm getting better.

It's been a year and a half since I started exercising regularly, and I'm not sure if I can really channel the changes my body has gone through.

I don't have cans by any means, but when I flex my arms, I can feel some real definition there. The skin on my legs feel taut, and although I still have a paunch and love handles, I don't look like I'm in my first trimester. If I take off my glasses and look in the mirror, I can fool myself into thinking I have abs.

I have never been this healthy in my entire life. And I haven't been this healthy for such a long time.

Some part of me misses the days when I wouldn't need to workout all that hard, but my body would freak out and shed pounds like crazy. Now I'm pretty much stuck at 170 lbs., and I don't want that number to go any higher ever again. I can't help but feel a little proud that my body can totally handle the kind of workout that would have killed me (perhaps literally) a year and a half ago.

So now what?

I've gotten this far … do I want to be a total gay stereotype and go for more muskels? Do I cut more calories to get to that elusive body fat percentage below 18 percent? (I'm currently 22 percent, which is "acceptable".) Do I go for those benefit racing competitions? (Oh, hellz no.)

I don't know, and right now, I'm not sure I care.

I do notice my scheduled discipline has shown some signs of slacking, recently. And my ascetic diet choices have made room for bigger portions and higher calories. Maybe it's OK that I let myself live a little. I don't have the body of my dreams, but I don't have a body that needs to be obfuscated either.

One of the most confounding things about Project Runway mentor Tim Gunn is the fact he hasn't had a boyfriend in 20 years. Even in his 50s, Gunn cuts a striking figure, impossibly well-adjusted and attractive, if not physically certainly in personality. He's the kind of guy who would have been taken long, long ago, but no — Gunn acknowledged his own thin skin where matters of the heart were concerned and exercised restraint.

That just makes him all the more hotter.

And yet, I find his resolve admirable. The energy most people spend trying to find "the one", Gunn spent cultivating a social circle suitable for his comfort. He stuck to his own idea of what it means to be a social creature, and over time, it rewarded him extremely well.

January 2009 marked 10 years since I took myself off the market. At the time, I said I was "taking a break" from dating. A decade later, I can count the few dates and hookups I've had since on one hand. OK, maybe one hand and a few fingers.

But I'm not Tim Gunn. Although I think he's quite the introvert, Gunn doesn't seem to have a misanthropic bone in his body. Me? I'm made of all sorts of misanthropy.

But I look at Gunn and think, "If someone as magnetic as him can keep to himself, the world isn't missing anything if I don't put my sorry ass out there." Oh, I've been told that I should have someone in my life, and Kramer has gone so far as to call my solitude "a waste of good Taurus."

Three years of therapy scratched at the surface of my motivations for not dating, and it would be too tedious of a read to detail it here. The summary is simple — I wasn't raised with very convincing models of how relationships work. I look at how my family interacts with their various spouses and partners, and I question where's the payoff.

Before 1999, I came close to understanding the allure of relationships, and I would think, "Hey, this is nice." A warm body, nice attention. But after some time and distance, I would think, "Huh. I kind of lost my sense of awareness there. Probably shouldn't let that happen again."

In other words, I have much lesser excuse for not dating than Tim Gunn. Tim doesn't like dealing with a broken heart. I just don't like dealing with people.

And yet, I find his example inspiring. He's a nice catch that can't be gotten. I make no claims of what kind of catch I am, but I know I'm not a good salesman for my own bona fides. Whatever the case, Tim Gunn has fashioned himself a life suitable for him which works well.

I don't see much wrong with my life either. I've got a job that doesn't make me dread life. I've got interests that keep me engaged. I have a small social circle that doesn't crimp on my sense of solitude. Would that improve with the addition of that "someone else"? I guess. But the incentive to find out just doesn't compel me to do so.

Latest results of the blood work.

• Total cholesterol: 152 (normal range 140-200, up 11 from 141)
• Triglycerides: 45 (normal range 35-160, down 22 from 67)
• HDL (good cholesterol): 47 (min. 40, up 1 from 46)
• LDL (bad cholesterol): 96 (normal range, 80-130, up 14 from 82, hypertension range 80-100)
• Liver panel: normal

I got in touch with a nurse who gave me additional number.

• Coronary heart disease risk factor ratio: 3.23 (normal below 4.44)
• Blood sugar: 99 (normal range 70-100)
• Sodium: 142
• Potassium: 37
• Chloride: 103
• Carbon dioxide: 30
• Calcium: 9.5
• Kidney BUN test: 15
• Creatinine: 1.2
• Filtration: Above 60 (normal)

Previous results: 1, 2, 3 and 4.

I didn't get the normal ranges for the electrolytes (sodium, potassium, chloride, carbon dioxide), but I'm told everything is normal.

Next check sometime in May.

Yup. So totally run out of the things to say. And it's a good thing this entry is the last for Holidailies. I can go back to neglecting this site, posting only when I feel I have something worth mentioning. Given my exacting standards of literature, it's not often.

As a follow-up to my Best of Holidailies-winning entry, The creaming method, I offer the recipe for the dessert mentioned therein. It's a Filipino dessert, and anyone who has never eaten anything with mochi flour will probably find the chewy texture strange and different.

It's also loaded with sugar, milk and eggs.

Bibinka

4 cups, mochi flour (find this at an Asian market or at a megamart such as Whole Foods)
2 1/2 cups, sugar
1 cup, butter at room temperature (that is, an entire stick)

1 teaspoon, vanilla extract
4 cups, milk

6 egg yolks (3 whole eggs and 3 yolks may be substituted)

So what I did the last time I made this dessert was to cut up the butter into a little cubes and mix it with the sugar till I got a light yellow froth. It took a few minutes. Then I added the mochi flour, slowly mixing it in with the beaten butter and sugar. After I added the flour, I put the eggs, milk and vanilla extract in another bowl and mixed those together. Once the eggs were integrated with the milk, I poured the wet ingredients over the dry ingredients and mixed them together. The resulting dough should be soft — this dough is not the kind to be kneaded.

Oh, I should have mentioned that the oven should be preheating to 350 degrees. When your dough is ready to be baked, stash it in the oven and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Turn down the heat to 300 and bake for another 20 minutes.

When you take it out of the oven, use a knife to separate the dessert from the sides of the pan. Before it has a chance to stiffen, take a pizza cutter and portion out the dessert into rectangles.

The air from the creaming method should give a lightness to the chewy texture of the mochi flour. It's actually a nice combination. I hope the next time I make it, I can get that same texture.

I do have some leftover ingredients.

(And that concludes my participation in Holidailies 2008. I seem to do this every other year, so you may see me again in 2010.)

I'm so totally running out of things to post for Holidailies. In all my years of keeping online journals and blogs and such, I very rarely ever posted recipes. I'm not much of a cook, so why should I pretend to be some culinary authority? Tonight, though, I made a dish that seems to confound people for the simple reason that it combines two very unlikely ingredients. I learned it by some impossible name that I don't know how to pronounce. I'll just call it citrus pork chops.

Ingredients:

4 pork chops, center cut
1 cup of flour (or enough to coat the pork chops)
Salt
Pepper
2 cups of orange juice (yes, orange juice)
2 tbsp., cooking oil (at least)

Season the pork chops liberally with salt and pepper, then coat them in the flour. At this point, Alton Brown would advise you to shake off the excess flour off the chops, and so do I. Brown the pork chops in a skillet with the oil set on medium high. Once each side has been browned, lower the heat of the skillet to medium and pour in 1 1/2 cups of the orange juice. Let it simmer for a minute or two before put the heat on LOW. Yes, low. Cook 1 1/2 hours. Yes, 1 1/2 hours. Half way through the cooking time, add the remaining 1/2 cup of orange juice if it looks like too much has evaporated.

This recipe is a no-brainer, but I don't cook it often because of the long cook time. But oh — the orange juice and the flour breading and the pork chops? Very, very tasty.
 

Yes, I already did a year in review, but I've always had a soft spot for this meme, which I don't fill out too often. I think the last time I did was 2006.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

   I released a CD.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   Yes. Somewhat unwittingly. I toyed with the idea of resolving to release a CD but never made an official announcement. I ended up doing so anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

   No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

   No.

5. What countries did you visit?

   In this economy?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

   A decent singing voice.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   June 24, 2008. That was the release date I scheduled for enigmatics.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   Establishing three businesses. And yes, all three are related to the release of the CD. Do you see a pattern here?

9. What was your biggest failure?

   The CD release. I sold 10 copies directly. Made one album download sale on iTunes and quite possibly one sale at Waterloo Records. Making the CD is the easy part. Convincing people to exchange money for it is something else entirely.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    A bad case of the runs after eating some undercooked Filipino food caused me to faint in the bathroom, and I ended up twisting my neck.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    A Røde NT1-A microphone. Totally blows the MXL-990 out of the water.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    California voters. I'm being sarcastic.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

    Arizona, Florida and Arkansas voters. I'm being serious.

14. Where did most of your money go?
    Citibank. Lot of good it did them.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    Learning how equalization finally works. I may even understand multiband compression as well. And CodeIgniter. And jQuery.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

    Anything off of MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS' self-titled EP or ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION's World World World.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

    a. happier or sadder

    b. thinner or fatter

    c. richer or poorer?

    Most definitely thinner.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Promotion for my CD.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

    Spurning the advances of horny guys in the Gay.com chatrooms.

20. How will did you be spending/did you spend Christmas?

    Paying $5.25 in toll fees getting lost trying to get to a party I can't say I was eager to attend.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

    Oh, that's funny.

22. How many one-night stands?

    Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
    Ace of Cakes. If there's a gay version of Geof, I'd probably be dating him. And yes, Katherine is from Planet Awesome.
    
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

    Austin drivers on the whole. I can't count the times I lost my voice in rush-hour traffic.

25. What was the best book you read?
    The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

    It's a draw between Matt Alber, Ann Sally's Brand-New Orleans, and Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

27. What did you want and get?

    A Røde NT1-A microphone and a pair of KRK Rokit Power 5 monitor speakers.

28. What did you want and not get?

    The hot guy who uses the apartment complex gym from time to time.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

    The only thing I watched in the theaters this year is The Dark Knight, and I liked it. I'm just unwilling to call it my favorite by virtue of being my only.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    I turned 36. I joined ASCAP and started two businesses.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

    More people buying my CD.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

    Downgraded jean size.

33. What kept you sane?

    Not applicable.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

    Mike Doyle, who plays CSU Technician Ryan O'Hallaran on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

    Proposition 8.

36. Who did you miss?

    Gay Friend-Drinking Buddy. We're actually talking again now that he's single. His ex- had an issue with me.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

    My social circle doesn't expand much.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

    I need to get more funky.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

    She said I heard you and you cannot sing

    I said that's nothing you should hear me play piano (Same answer I gave in 2006)

The title is a phonetic way of saying, "二千八年", or 2008 in Japanese. With Holidailies winding down, I thought I'd reprise the year in review.

The big events of 2008:

• April 2008, Launched Observant Records, Shinkyoku Advocacy and Eponymous 4 as businesses: On my birthday, I had the compulsion to join ASCAP as a songwriter and a publisher. Once I did that, I figured I may as well head down to the County Clerk's Office and register DBAs for Eponymous 4 and Observant Records. Then I opened up some bank accounts with those DBAs. Shinkyoku Advocacy didn't actually launch till May 2008, after ASCAP accepted my company name. But with these entities in place, I decided it was time to experiment with releasing an actual CD.
• May 2008, Trip to Hawai`i: My mom asked my sister in Chicago and me to come home for my dad's birthday. He had just gotten back from a doctor's appointment, where a suspicious growth on his lung was found. It would turn out to be no big deal, but at the time, we thought a small family reunion would be appropriate. My sister and I visit home, she more frequently than I, but the last time we both were there was 2003. This time, I had no diversion to Maui.
• June 2008, Release of enigmatics: The process of manufacturing a CD seems pretty straight-forward. I registered the songs and the recording with the Copyright Office. I sent a CD-R off to Mixonic for duplication. I bought a barcode from CDBaby and signed up for their digital distribution. I established an Amazon Advantage account to sell the CD. And I launched a new website. I've sold only 10 copies so far, most of them to family. While making a CD is easy, promoting the damn thing is where the real work lies. And it's weird — I really can't get behind this particular release because I don't consider it representative of what I do. So yeah, I shot myself in the foot with this one.
• August 2008, Hit weight loss plateau: A year after I started losing weight, I stopped. I've kept exercising, and I still watch what I eat — although I confess, the portions are getting slightly more generous — but the weight stopped coming off. My body figured it out, and it refuses to lose any more. I'd be more upset, but I haven't been 170 pounds in about nine years. That's still 15 pounds more than I need to be, but I'm just enjoying the fact I've already gone down one jean size and may need to go down again soon. I would like the scale to show me some new numbers, though.
• November 2008-present, Started migrating web sites to CodeIgniter: On the surface, this event looks pretty dull. Again with recoding all my websites? I seem to do that every couple of months. But the underlying code that runs my sites was hammered out in 2003, and I haven't really redesigned it since. It's gotten pretty bloated and unorganized, and it's not as flexible as it could be. Now that I'm doing more music, I'm not interested in making my code compete with the likes of Ruby on Rails or CakePHP. So I'm moving to a third-party framework. CodeIgniter seemed the most flexible for moving code to a new structure, and I'm so far impressed with the results. The Eponymous 4 official site is already using CodeIgniter.

As evidenced by most of the posts for Holidailies, I've gone down the rabbit hole once again. When I re-emerge, I may finally semi-officially reveal all the stuff I've been recording for the past three years.

In Season 4 of Project Runway, Tim Gunn visited almost-finalist Chris Marsh to see how his Fashion Week collection was coming along. After examining the strangely grotesque pieces using actual human hair, Tim compared Chris' work to the monkey house at the zoo.

When you first walk into the monkey house, the stench hits you, says Tim, but after a while, you get used to it. Chris was working in the monkey house. He had gotten used to his collection and didn't realize parts of it that reeked.

I'm sure that's what happening to me with my studio work.

I've been living with these recordings for so long, I don't have the perspective to see what needs improvement. I can hear my voice and not mind the warble of diminishing breath control, the scrape of imprecise intonation, the noises of unpracticed mic technique. It doesn't occur to me maybe a little reverb here or a bit less compression there might make a world of difference.

Familiarity breeds distress, and I don't realize just how familiar I am with this work.

These songs could be much better if I could just get out of the way.

When I make a New Year's resolution, I usually frame it in a way to guarantee success. Resolving to lose weight or to change a habit just seems too externally motivated, as if those extra pounds and that particular habit need correction to be socially normative. Instead, I'd rather enhance something I already do pretty well, especially if it's something I tend to neglect.

Back in 2000, I resolved to learn how to play bass guitar. That was a resolution I looked forward to doing. Other years, I resolved to write music, during times when I wasn't writing any. Last year, I casually resolved to release a CD. I didn't take it seriously and even forgot I made that resolution. And what should happen? I released a CD.

Yes, my resolutions tend to be creatively-inclined, and I like to think they helped spur me to do more.

I'm at the point now where I don't need to resolve to be creative. I have more than enough to keep me busy for years. So for 2009, I'm thinking about resolutions that might be significantly more challenging for me to achieve. In short, resolutions akin to losing weight or changing a habit.

I've narrowed the resolutions to a choice of three:

• Form a band
• Start dating again
• Learn to swim 

For all the work I've been doing in the studio, the songs really need to come alive with real musicians playing the parts. I've been resistant so far because I just don't know jack shite about band logistics. I'm not even sure what my own role would be. And if I form one, then what? I'm not even that great a performer.

I almost think forming a band is a more intimate relationship than dating. I "took a break" from dating back in 1999, and I've been apathetic about it ever since. I used to think if I could muster the courage to form a band, I can muster the courage to date again. Both involve finding other people, but with dating, I'm not entrusting my creative work to someone else. Trust is the lynch pin in both situations, and dating looks slightly simpler than forming a band.

In a way, these two resolutions almost have a familial theme running through them, and that's a difficult idea for me to process. My model of a family — id est, my own — isn't inspiring, and the ultimate goal in dating is to find a partner. In short to form a family, even if it's only two people. I can't say I find that appealing. The interpersonal relationships in a band, I would imagine, run on the same dynamic. And I'm no patriarch.

As for the third resolution — yes, I grew up on an island, and I don't know how to swim. Doesn't make sense. I'm thinking I might have the most fun with this resolution. It's certainly less intimidating than the other two, and it gives me an excuse to get in the water. Unless I drown. Then it would not be.