I don't think I realized till recently just how much of a determined person I am. I've tried doing the go-with-the-flow method of charting my life, and I can't say it's done me any favors. The best results seem to happen when I've made a decision about something, and I get single-minded about making it happen.
I'm not the personality type that attracts opportunity. I'm very private and very closed. Gay Friend-Drinking Buddy is the kind of person who's so self-effacing, good things just happen to him. I'm not that type of person. If I want something, I have to work for it. It doesn't help that I also tend to be lazy.
But when I stop being lazy, watch the hell out.
In 2007, I finally got sick of being overweight, and when I discovered my scale was lying to me, I adopted a diet and an exercise regimen that allowed me to shed 45 pounds. I've stuck with this regimen mostly because I don't want to end up in the same kind of ill health as my dad when I get to be his age. I also had this odd goal of being my sexiest by the time I turn 40, which is three years away. But I worked for it when I made the decision to do so.
In 2005, I decided I didn't want to wait till I'm financially solvent to continue building my studio. So I blew a lot of money I didn't have getting software and gear. It's taken four years, but I've learned and practiced how to record my own material. I even went so far as to build a bare minimum label and publishing company. Maybe there was a little bit of go-with-the-flow in getting this studio off the ground, but when the momentum happened, I took it far.
In 1999, I decided I didn't want to climb the content management ladder. I didn't want to be the online equivalent of an editor, and it was aided quite a lot by being passed over for numerous positions. Fuck it, I thought to myself, content production is a dead end, and I like programming. I like making things streamlined. So I took a year to take some continuing education classes to learn web development. By 2000, I was working as a web developer, and I've been one longer than I was ever a journalist.
Going with the flow doesn't work for me. If things are going to happen in my life, I have to make them happen. It can be a hassle to have this sort of "me vs. the world" mindset, but history seems to indicate that it actually works for me.
That's what I have to keep in mind as I go through the process of relocating. For too long, I was hoping some company somewhere would find me and think, "We need to bring this guy to [San Francisco | New York City | Seattle | Portland | Chicago]". I was hoping to go with the flow that brought me to Austin. Lot of good that did. (Yes, that's another entry: ways in which Austin has been detrimental to me.)
If older me could back in time to have a conversation with younger me, I would tell him, "You've got a lot of will power. You don't have to settle for Austin as your escape route out of Honolulu. The fact you've always been determined to leave has never been in question. That you have the strength to choose and make it happen is something you should know now."
But that isn't the case.
I also have very good instincts. My instincts tell me this relocation is going to happen. It's the same instinct that told me web development would be a very good career fit. It's the same instinct that told me would at some point work at record store.
I think I should be a lot more permissive with my instincts and match them up with that determination.