A long time ago, I learned the difference between a good smoker and a bad smoker. The good smoker can smoke through packs of cigarettes a day. The bad smoker can make that pack last over time. I am a very, very bad smoker.
A few months ago, I went to a doctor's appointment and had to fill out a health history form. I answered the question about smoking in the affirmative, but I left the number of packs I smoke blank. Instead, I drew an arrow to the question about drinking, to which I had answered, "Socially".
Back in 2006, I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. For that same questionnaire, I crossed out the word "day" from the line asking "packs a day" and replaced it with the word "month". My answer? "1".
I pretty much smoke only at work and only once in the day. That means I can literally make a pack last a month, at the end of which it's pretty awfully stale. The only time I may ramp up my consumption is during the SXSW music festival, which happens only once a year. Times of tremendous stress might make increase to two a day, and I may sneak in extras when I'm hanging around people willing to supply. And I befriend a lot of smokers.
But when it comes to being a bad smoker, I'm not sure you can find anyone who is worse. A former co-worker absolutely marveled at my restraint.
The tobacco industry didn't get its hooks into me till I was 20, and those hooks never went very deep. I also never say I'm going to quit. I will always say I'm a smoker, even during times when I stop. This past March, I came down with a cold and fever, and throughout most of the spring and summer, I didn't light up once. I picked up again around July or so.
I also try not to buy my own pack of cigarettes. I will bum off my friends who are more than willing to supply, but they also have enough conscience not to encourage me to ramp up. In fact, one of them gets disappointed when I do break down and buy a pack. (Although I bet she feels a bit of relief knowing I won't be raiding her stash.)
I mention all of this because yesterday, all my suppliers were out of cigarettes. I had been bumming pretty much everyday for the past four or five months, and it was time I pay back and ensure a steady supply for the future.
So I bought a carton of my friend's brand of choice.
And holy crap is that shit expensive!
Since I've never let my habit get to the point where I would be buying cartons, I had no idea how much they would cost, and holy fuck! I have even more incentive not to escalate. (Yeah, that should be "incentive to quit", but I'm being realistic here.)
My friend was impressed and aghast that I would sink that much money into paying back my supply, and we sort of concluded that it would be my ghetto Christmas gift of the year. You know what I could have bought for the price of that carton? About two Japanese import CDs. Maybe 2 1/2 weeks worth of gas at current prices. (1 week and 3 days at prices during the summer.) One of the Season 2 DVD sets of Battlestar Galactica.
Even as I was buying the carton, the pinch I felt in my wallet was acute. But I dropped the cash anyway because really, I have been a leech. Five months is pretty much five packs that I've taken from my friend, and half of that can be made in the carton.
I'll probably smoke the other half of that carton in the next five months.