名作記

I didn’t really know till tonight the kind of effect my one-year-old nephew has on me. Even though he lives in Chicago, the idea of him is comfort enough.
I also never thought I’d be using an Andrew Vachss title as a reference point for a lyric, let alone write from the (what I imagine would be the) perspective of a new parent.
But nonetheless, I dashed off some lyrics for the music I just completed, putting Imprint all that much closer to completion. So here is “A Chance to Get It Right“.
“A Chance to Get It Right”
March 13, 2005
In the moment we first met
How could I anticipate what I felt?
Everything I knew before
Just didn’t seem to work
All you did was be yourself
It worked like a magic charm (perfectly)
Nothing I knew till that point
Seemed relevant at all
I thought that I was the kind
To pass on my own mistakes
You give me one more chance
A chance to get it right
In those moments since we met
You engage me with your charm (perfectly)
I just hope that I provide
A path you want to take
‘Cos I don’t think I’m the kind
To pass on my own mistakes
You give me one more chance
A chance to get it right
I may not have known the value
Of giving selflessly
But you are the reason I would
Do so much more
In the moment we first met
How could I anticipate what I’d feel?
Everything I knew before
Everything I know right now
I just hope that it’s enough
For me to get it right
You are one more chance
A chance to get it right

I just finished music on the 10th track of Imprint, and I don’t plan on writing any more new material for this project. This latest song — untitled, of course — seems to fit in near the end of the track listing just fine. Any other additions may throw the sequencing off.
I originally planned to write a dub-influenced track, a la “Slave Song” by Sade or “Intensity (You Are)” by ACO. I was even thinking about lifting the drum beat from “Secret Oktober” by Duran Duran. But it was an incongruous fit, and I couldn’t pluck out any sort of hook from that rhythm.
After I finished work on the title track itself, the mood of the album shifted, and a dub track would have stuck out.
So I had to write something from scratch.
I came up with this one chord progression, but it sounded a bit too inspirational. I think it was influenced by Sasagawa Miwa. I decided not to pursue it.
Then a few days ago, I took an inventory of everything — finished and unfinished songs. That meant scouring the entire contents of my old demo tape, in addition to browsing through this entry. I ran across a reference to an old sketch I made:

Untitled (“elevator”) I don’t know what this chord progression stands for, but I’m guess “elevator” refers to “elevator music”. Still evaluating the potential.

I vaguely remembered that chord progression and decided to unearth it. The sketch was dated January 1998 — seven years ago! — and it was eight bars. It fit well with the general tone of Imprint but was markedly different. So I expanded on it, gave it some typical chords and an atypical bass line, and by the end of the night, I had the skeleton of a song.
At first, I thought it would just be piano and voice, but in between the instrumental interlude (“Undone”) and “Love and Pride”, that barebones arrangement broke the momentum. It took a bit of trial and error to find a drum beat to go with it, but I decided to do something weird — I lifted the pattern from “Love and Pride” verbatim.
I’m thinking of making to the two tracks bleed into each other so that the final chord of the new song kicks off the start of “Love and Pride”. I don’t know if it’ll happen, but reusing that drum pattern worked out for the song.
So yes, after a month and a half of work, I’ve finished (what I consider) a full album of material. I’m already thinking ahead to the other songs on my old demo and how they may fit with other projects.
(The next Eponymous 4 “release” is going to be much more dissonant. It will probably be another five-track EP.)
I was about to take a stab at writing the lyrics tonight — I wrote four in the last week — but I shouldn’t be greedy.
I’m just glad to have reached as far as I have.

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Just in case you missed the previous links to this new song I’m talking about, let me be more explicit: “Untitled (ACO 5)”
I’m sure I’ll be adding more instruments to this song later, but right now, I’ve got a good foundation. It’s probably the most optimistic song in the entire work.

This song was originally called “Caught in the Dark”, and it was supposed to be the title track to what I imagined Project Imprint would eventually become. But there was a point after high school where I convinced myself I’m no Simon Le Bon, and keeping a bunch of lyrics without melodies was confining.
So I threw a lot of them out. And I don’t regret it either — most of those lyrics were Duran Duran rip-offs anyway.
But the original idea behind “Caught in the Dark” was to write in the style of Soul II Soul, which I went ahead and attempted anyway, even without the original lyrics as a guide.
For years, this song has been simply called “Untitled (House)”. Well, not anymore. Unwieldy though the melody may be, I threw together some hasty lyrics for it. This song doesn’t really demand much depth, so I’m not breaking my back being too literary about it.
In other words, it’s another love song. More to the point, a break-up song, the assertive flip-side to “Our Best Wasn’t Enough”. I think they suite the song just fine. You can’t get very Duran Duran with music that tries to be Soul II Soul.
Here now: “Take It Apart“:
“Take It Apart”
March 10, 2005
I could tell you, but you won’t listen
You could promise — I won’t believe it
We could try it, but would it matter?
Here we are once again
What would you do if one day you found
I would never return the favor?
What’s the point in another chance if
Once again here we are?
Tell me now — is this how you pictured it?
Round and round, it’s just the same, old conversation
You and me — the tension was fun
But tension is all it’s become
You could tell me, but I won’t hear it
I could promise — would you believe it?
We could try to remember back when
We were once good together
What would I do if come tomorrow
You decided it’s worth the effort
What’s the point in another chance if
Once again here we are
Tell the truth — is this how you wanted it, or
Maybe I’m the one who can’t let go of wanting
Everything to be like it was
The first time desire took hold
Here we are again, back to the point where it went wrong
But do we try to make it right, or do we
Take it apart, take it apart, we could just
Take it apart, and start all over
I could tell you, but you won’t listen
You could promise — I won’t believe it
We could try it, but would it matter?
Here we are once again
What would you do if one day you found
I would never return the favor?
What’s the point in another chance if
Once again here we are?
Tell me now — just how we could salvage it, or
Maybe we should let it come to its conclusion
You and me — we had all our fun
It’s time that our lives begun
Here we are again, back to the point where it went wrong
But do we try to make it right, or do we
Take it apart, take it apart, we could just
Take it apart, take it apart, why don’t we
Make a new start, make a new start, and we could
Make a new start the next time around
I could tell you, but you won’t listen
You could promise — I won’t believe it
We could try it, but would it matter?
Here we are once again
What would you do if one day you found
I would never return the favor?
What’s the point in another chance if
Once again here we are?
You could tell me, but I won’t hear it
I could promise — would you believe it?
We could try to remember back when
We were once good together
What would I do if come tomorrow
You decided it’s worth the effort
What’s the point in another chance if
Once again here we are

I have no qualms admitting I ripped off the harmonic rhythm for this song from Mikami Chisako of fra-foa. (And the shape of the chorus has a dash of ACO in it.)
Mikami herself used the progression — I-ii-VII-I — in at least three of her songs on fra-foa’s debut album, so if it works for her …
Thing is, I keep coming back to this song, so much so I’m making it the title track of the project. And I just finished the lyrics a few minutes ago. Here, now — “Imprint“:
“Imprint”
March 8, 2005
There’s a picture of you in my head
I don’t know where it’s from
You were smiling and your eyes were bright
The best was yet to come
These photographs strewn everywhere
Caught nothing of that smile
Was it really just a memory?
Did it exist at all?
It’s the one thing I count on
And the one thing I search for
There was something special in that smile
I don’t know what it was
Just a promise of a better life
Of something good to come
Those images strewn in my head
Convince me I’m not wrong
Where did it go? Why did it leave?
Did it exist at all?
It’s the one thing I count on
And the one thing I search for
It’s the one thing I’m missing
And the one thing I yearn for
Where did it go? It was no dream
I’ll find it, that I know
It’s the one thing to reach me
And the one thing to teach me
It’s the one thing to find me
And the one thing to touch me

I’ve never been much for writing political songs, and I thought the first few lines of these lyrics would turn into a liberal creed. Instead, I decided to speak from a point of view opposite of mine. The working title of this song was “Untitled (ACO 3)”, but now it will be called “Love and Pride“.
“Love and Pride”
March 7, 2005
Can you feel it? A change about to come
Can you sense it? Uncertainty of what’s ahead
A chance to turn the hands of fate
Back to a time when nothing was in doubt
Do you feel it? A chance to right the wrongs
Do you want it? Security and peace of mind
A bedrock of our moral ground
A certainty in what we know is true
Damn the ones who want to change our ways
Give me freedom, and all my love and pride
Will be yours
A chance to fix what didn’t break
A chance to right what isn’t wrong
A chance to fight for sanctity
Of truth we’ve held for oh so long
A chance to turn the hands of fate
Back to a time when nothing was in doubt
Is it dream, or is it memory?
Take me back now, and all my love and pride
Will be yours

I’ve got all these “Untitled” songs for this new Eponymous 4 project, and hardly any lyrics. I think I’ve reached a plateau with writing new music, so now I have to concentrate on the lyrics. This set belongs to the song with the working title “Untitled (ACO 2)”, hence to be named “Your Gaze“.
“Your Gaze”
March 7, 2005
In a moment far too fast for me to stop and comprehend
There was confirmation maybe you just might return my feelings
How could I mistake the gaze that burrowed deep inside the heart
Of everything that makes me who I am?
And still I look for reasons to explain how I could not be right
Because I really can’t admit you have a power over me
But deep inside I yearn to meet your gaze and give myself a chance to feel
You dream of me as well
In a moment far too fast for me to stop and take a risk
You gave confirmation that you did in fact returned the feeling
And I wanted to mistake the gaze that makes me want to say
I wanted you and hope you want me too
And all the reasons I came up with have no ring of truth at all
And even faced with evidence that nothing could have come to be
‘Cos deep inside I yearn to meet your gaze and give you just one chance to feel
I dream of you as well
It was a moment far too fast for me to answer with the truth
Of how I wish I could admit you have a power over me
And maybe one more day I’ll get the chance to meet your gaze and make you feel
I dream of you right now
Look inside me
Feel the moment
Deep inside me
Seize the moment

I’ve been distracted all week.
When I’m at work, all I can think about is getting home so that I can work on my songs. When I’m in class, I feel impatient because the four hours twice a week I’m spending learning a language I may not even use at work could be spent in my “studio”.
I nearly blew off some social events this weekend just to maximize the time I felt was lacking in the week. (I didn’t blow off those events. In fact, I rather enjoyed them.)
Well and all, I’ve been one busy motherfucker. Tonight, I “released” three new demos and re-recorded all of my recent MP3s to include a two-second gap at the end of the songs — the better to simulate a CD with, my dear.
And I’ve even got something of a loose sequence down for this “album”:

1. Promises
2. Never Turn Back
3. Our Best Wasn’t Enough
4. Silver Sting
5. Take It Apart [with lyrics!]
6. Your Gaze [new! with lyrics!]
7. Imprint [new! with lyrics!]
8. Undone [new!]
9. TBD
10. Love and Pride [with lyrics!]

Usually, musicians write twice the number of songs that would eventually appear on an album, but I’m being reckless and writing only the number of songs that I would like on it. I’m aiming for 10 or 11. That means I have to edit along the way.
This momentum has also made me reckless financially. On Friday, I dropped about $140 on a microphone, stand and cord. Tomorrow, a sound card I bought for $160 should be arriving by UPS.
I tried recording my own vocals with Cakewalk, and I have to say — I need to audition some singers. I sound bad.

Yes, I know you all want to hear about the Duran Duran concert.
Yes, I know there’s a lot to talk about the new computer.
Yes, I know I’m neglecting not only this journal but also this blog and this zine.
But I’ve got a good excuse. Two good excuses, really.
One is titled “Silver Sting“, and the other is titled Never Turn Back“.
I worked pretty intently on “Silver Sting” over the weekend, and I dashed off a reconstruction of “Never Turn Back” last night.
And that does it, as far as reconstructions go — for now. There are still a lot of songs that need to undergo a facelift, but they can wait for other projects.
Right now, I have about eight songs queued up for whatever this second Eponymous 4 project will turn out to be. Of those eight, four were pillaged from A Ghost in My Shadow, two are new but need some additional work, and the other two were completed but could use more editing.
I have seeds for another two that I haven’t really expanded upon. One of them will attempt to rip off the drum rhythm from Duran Duran’s “Secret Oktober”, but I’m not having much success with it.
So, yeah — I’m probably going to stay under for a little while longer while all this stuff gets fleshed out.

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Mmmm. I covet.

Well, that was a short honeymoon.
I remember now why I found the Kawai K4 to be a limiting machine, and it’s funny — I can see retrospectively how the equipment actually had something of an adverse effect on my writing.
At first, I treated the K4 like my other boards. I can control assignment of channels to patches through Cakewalk, and it’s a pretty transparent process on my Korg N364 and Kurzweil PC-88. The Kawai K4, though, is different.
I’d forgotten that in my old set-up, I had to program the patches on the board itself, not on the sequencer. When Cakewalk would transmit program information, the K4 translated it in its own special way.
It took reading a PDF of the owners manual — I had thrown mine away a long time ago — and a few button clicks for the memories to kick in. “Ah! That’s how it’s done.”
And as a result, I have to do a work-around for the K4 that I don’t have to do with the other machines.
For a little while, I wondered whether $255 was worth the investment.
But now that I’m beginning to remember how to work the machine, I think it will be. It does have some irritating quirks, but today, it’s only part of a set-up, not the whole thing.
Which means I can depend on my other machines to carry the bulk of the work.

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I always had a sense I fell out of songwriting because whenever I went to create something on my old set-up, it never turned out how it would sound in my head.
And that cognitive dissonance can be pretty discouraging.
Working with the old machine again, it’s clear that’s exactly what happened.
The equipment I have now has enabled me to do different — perhaps better — work, but there’s still a sense that I’m still not getting the timbres I seek.
But I also see a potential for danger. And perhaps this is how the music gear industry works.
I got locked into my old set-up, not having the resources to expand and upgrade, and it effected how I perceived my work. I don’t want to fall into the same trap by relying so heavily on my N364 and PC-88.
At the same time, I don’t want to be continually seduced by more and more gear. My bedroom has already gotten seriously cramped with the addition of the old/new machine.
Too, I have to wait till April to see whether I can even afford more equipment.
Vicious, vicious cycle.

It arrived!
The Kawai K4 I bought over eBay was delivered today, and I ditched work half an hour early to pick it up from the apartment office.
It took a good hour and a half set up, including 20 minutes sweeping up the shipping popcorn that spilled all over the floor from opening the box up.
At first, I couldn’t get a peep out of it. I connected it to the second channel of my mixer, raised the gain till I got a signal, the raised the level — only to hear nothing.
I hooked it up to my bass amplifier just to make sure it was the mixer giving me problems and not the keyboard. The distorted boom that blasted out from the amplifier was evidence enough.
So I switched some instruments around and discovered it was “problem” with the channel itself. Or rather, it was user error. The first two channels of my mixer are mono inputs, and I was putting in a pair of stereo inputs on channel two. (I didn’t look closely enough to see I was plugging one of the channels into an Input/Output jack. Not sure what that does, really.)
Now I know where to plug my guitars, should I ever need to connect it to my mixer.
Once I got sound, I discovered some of the presets had been altered. I bought this keyboard because I have a lot of music that depends on some of those presets.
It took a few minutes, but years of working with this board before all came back. Navigating the LED displays felt like second nature. Still, some of the alterations were too drastic to fix manual. I had to find a way to reload the presets back into the machine.
So it took another hour of surfing and downloading and reading to come up with a solution — take a system exclusive dump of the original presets and dump it back into the keyboard. (But not without first backing up the banks already on the machine — some of those revised patches sounded pretty cool, actually.)
I had to disconnect one of my other keyboards so that my interface could use both a MIDI-In and a MIDI-Out port. I used a piece of shareware and the presets available for download by the manufacturer to load the sounds back onto the keyboard.
After that, I spent a bit of time configuring Cakewalk to speak to the new keyboard. (Note to self, which this entry really is anyway: Post the .INS file for other users to download. I found .INS files for my Korg 364 and Kurzweil PC-88, but not one for a Kawai K4.)
Now I’m all set to use some of the original timbres when reconstructing those lost songs.
Man, this is cool!
P.S. Sorry to bore you all with all this semi-technical stuff.